Moving to a new nation requires several adaptations. From extreme weather to different dialects, cuisine, and, of course, dating. One minute you’re in Lagos, dodging “WYD?” texts from Nigerian men who do the bare minimum, and the next you’re trying to figure out whether your Asian colleague’s “we should hang out sometime” implies actual plans or just small talk.
To further understand how dating changes after Japa, these are 4 Nigerians who found love in Canada, the UK, and the US. From unexpected cultural alterations to new relationship standards, here’s how life after relocation has impacted their romantic lives.
Success stories of Nigerians who found love Abroad.
1. “The streets are cold, and so is the weather.” — *Amaka, 27 (moved to the UK in 2021)
Dating in Lagos was chaotic yet vibrant. I had options, even when I wasn’t looking. If I wanted to meet someone, all I had to do was blink, and a man would appear, sometimes too many at once. There were talking phases, but they went at full speed. Now? If I don’t actively put myself out there, I may as well give up dating because men here don’t chase, and I refuse to chase anyone.
The saddest thing was that I came here hoping to finally escape the difficulties of dating in Lagos. But, at least in Nigeria, I was consciously avoiding males left and right. Now I’m the one attempting to obtain any movement at all.
● What has been the biggest dating culture shock since you moved?
The passivity! A guy will show interest in you by texting you every day, liking your photos, and even flirting. But when is it time to establish serious plans? Silence. How can I be the one planning where and when we will meet? I thought guys had an inherent hunting instinct; what happened to that?
I had matched with a guy on Hinge who seemed enthusiastic at first. We spoke for a week, and not once did he mention meeting in person. When I eventually inquired what was going on, he answered, “Oh, I just assumed we’d keep chatting for a while before deciding.” Sir, are we pen pals? I was immediately unmatched. Nigerian men may worry you out, but at least they try.
● Have your relationship preferences or standards changed since moving?
Oh, absolutely. I’ve discovered that I prefer directness. I used to entertain men who were all about vibes and freestyle dating, but now? Abeg, if this is not your purpose, please leave. I used to believe I was fine with casual dating, but after a few months, I realized I needed someone who made an effort. Texting isn’t enough; schedule a date, be enthusiastic to meet me, and make me feel wanted. The men here lack that sense of urgency.
● What aspect of Nigerian dating culture would you bring to your new country?
Men who chase. Nigerian guys will lie and cheat, but they will exert pressure. These UK males believe that sending a “wyd?” text every two days is sufficient. I am in need of effort. Where is the chap who is going to send a driver to take me up? Where is the one who will arrange an entire date rather than simply asking, “What do you want to do?” I miss the drama of Lagos dating. At least I knew I was wanted.
2. “Dating in the US feels like a business transaction” — *Bisi, 27 (moved to the United States in 2021)
● What was your dating experience like in Nigeria, and how does it differ from where you are now?
It was simple—not because everything was always perfect, but because the expectations were clear. I dated men who provided financial and emotional support for everything. Even if they weren’t wealthy, they cared about the smallest details, such as sending lunch money, getting an Uber, or simply making me feel cared for.
Here? It’s a different ballgame. Everyone is so autonomous that dating almost feels like a business. It’s an analogy: “I take care of myself, you take care of yourself, and we’ll occasionally come together for vibes.” But where is the romance? What about the intentionality? The softness?
● What has been the biggest dating culture shock since you moved?
Nobody is taking care of you. At all. In Nigeria, even broke men would find a way to lavish their babes with tiny gifts, data, and occasional meals. The thought was present. Meanwhile, in the United States? A guy will invite you to dinner, let you eat steak, and then when the bill arrives, he pulls out his phone and asks, “So, you want to split?” Sir, I don’t. One even asked if I could have CashApp send him $5 back because he paid the tip.
At first, I assumed I was dating cheap men, but then I realized this is common here. People regard relationships as partnerships from the beginning. That’s wonderful if that’s your preference, but I wasn’t prepared for the culture shock.
● Have your relationship tastes or standards shifted after moving?
Definitely, I used to be a gentle life or nothing. I wasn’t interested in a man who didn’t put in any effort financially. But now I see why the American people are so focused on collaboration. Life is costly here. Nobody has the time or money to carry someone else completely.
Nonetheless, I still believe in romance. There must be a balance. I realize I don’t need a man to provide for me, but I do want to feel cared for. It doesn’t have to be about money; it may be about putting in an effort, such as scheduling dates, making thoughtful gestures, or showing me that I am important.
● What aspect of Nigerian dating culture would you bring to your new country?
Men court women. This “let’s just vibe” culture is stressful. Nobody wants to define something. You can go on five dates, meet their friends, and even spend the night at their house, and they will still respond, “I don’t like labels.” Sir, what are we doing now? I want a man to say, “I like you; I want to be with you, let’s build something.” Is that so hard?
3. “I went from zero dating options to too” many”—*Charles, 27 (moved to Canada in 2023).
● What was your dating experience like in Nigeria, and how does it differ from where you are now?
Nonexistent. Being queer in Nigeria meant that dating was primarily theoretical rather than practical. The few times I tried, it was through friends of friends who had been vetted to ensure they were not homophobic or attempting to set me up. Even so, the paranoia persisted.
I never had the opportunity to go on a casual date. Every encounter felt risky: meeting in secret places, pretending we were simply friends in public, overthinking every glance or touch. It was stressful, so I eventually stopped trying.
Then I moved to Canada, and I found myself with far too many possibilities. Dating apps are effective here. I’m comfortable holding my partner’s hand in public. I can exist fearlessly. It’s liberating, but also overwhelming. I moved from nothing to everything, and the transition hasn’t been simple.
● What has been the biggest dating culture shock since you moved?
How quickly humans move! I went on three dates with someone, and by the fourth, they wanted to meet my family. How about the family? I scarcely knew their surname.
In Nigeria, we are accustomed to coded dating. Things move slowly, and there is always an underlying awareness that certain tasks require time. Here? After just one date, people are already contemplating long-term plans. A friend of mine went on one date, and by the second, the individual had removed their dating app and was introducing themselves as “my partner.”
I understand that people in queer communities here may move faster since there is no fear involved, but my Nigerian wiring still struggles with the intensity.
● Have your relationship tastes or standards shifted after moving?
100%. In Nigeria, I had no expectations because a meaningful relationship seemed impossible. I imagined I’d have to keep my romantic life hidden forever.
Now? I want a real relationship, not simply hidden linkages or cryptic situations. I want a partner with whom I can go on dates, introduce myself to my friends, and post without anxiety. Being in a nation where it is feasible has made me realize how much I desire it.
● What aspect of Nigerian dating culture would you bring to your new country?
The mystery. The chase. The thrill of coded flirtation. Everything here is so out there. People are overly honest about their feelings from the start. There’s no tension or build-up. You match with someone on an app, and within five minutes, they’ve told you their entire dating history and childhood trauma. In Nigeria, we perfected the art of subtle movements. I miss that energy.
4. “Dating here is an extreme sport” — Jide, *34 (relocated to the United States in 2023)
● What was your dating experience like in Nigeria, and how does it differ from where you are now?
Back in Nigeria, dating was difficult, but it had structure. If you were fortunate enough to meet someone, the relationship evolved through friendship groups and social circles. Everyone knew who was safe to approach, and we all acted with caution.
What about here in the United States? It’s like having a full-time job. There is no natural flow when meeting people. Everyone is using dating apps, and if you don’t actively put yourself out there, you might as well stop dating. I miss organic connections. I don’t want to swipe my way into a relationship; I prefer to meet someone naturally.
● What has been the biggest dating culture shock since you moved?
It is not uncommon for people here to date numerous persons at the same time. I once went on three dates with a guy and believed we were creating something. Then, on the fourth date, he casually mentioned taking a weekend trip with another man he was seeing. I almost choked on my drink. In Nigeria, even non-serious people pretend to be exclusive. Here? You must request to be exclusive; even then, it is not assured.
I’ve also found that emotional availability is different here. Many LGBT guys in Nigeria, including myself, had to struggle for relationships, so when we found someone, we held on fast. Many individuals here take open dating for granted since it is so easy to conduct; it’s casual and nonchalant. I was unprepared for that.
● Have your relationship tastes or standards shifted after moving?
I used to be fine with taking it slow, but now? I need clarification. If I like you, I want to know where our relationship is right away. There will be no more six-month scenarios in which no one knows what is going on.
I’ve also decreased my expectations. In Nigeria, we had this romantic intensity because gay relationships were high-risk. Every minute was important because we never knew when we’d have to go back to pretending. Here, I’ve discovered that relationships do not always have to be that deep. Sometimes folks are simply exploring. It’s been an adjustment.
● What aspect of Nigerian dating culture would you bring to your new country?
I suppose they’re modest romantic gestures. Nobody here does the “Have you eaten?” check-ins, which I miss. In Nigeria, even when we couldn’t express some things openly, we demonstrated love by doing things like purchasing food, giving money, and checking in during the day.
People here can go days without speaking to you, and it’s not a big deal. I once told a guy I was having a tough day, and he simply remarked, “Damn, that sucks.” No resolution, no “Do you want to talk about it?” Just “Damn.” I crave a medium ground, the freedom of dating abroad combined with the intentionality of Nigerian romance.
Conclusion
There are many success stories of Nigerians who found love abroad. Many got married, still living with their spouses, while some divorced. Whichever, finding love abroad is an experience one should look for.